When should you move on from your fuck buddy? Perhaps you've been restless recently and you want to know if it will last. Maybe you're not excited by the idea of your hookups any more. Your fuck buddy could even be acting in a way that you haven't seen before, having grown comfortable, and you don't like it. Whatever the reason, if you're thinking of parting ways with your fuck buddy and getting a new lover, you might need help deciding when the perfect time is to split.
Science tells us when the perfect time is to dump your fuck buddy. Relationship therapist Rachel Sussman, LCSW, author of 'The Breakup Bible', tells us to look out for a change in our "argument pattern". "If you’re starting to pick fights over the littlest, most insignificant things, that could be an indication that something’s awry," she says. If you're fighting with your fuck buddy, you should probably be taking a hard look at that arrangement, and whether you're suitable for one another. Affairs, and particularly casual, secret affairs, are meant to be fun - not to come with the trappings of long-term relationships and marriage.
However, some people disagree that there is a perfect time to break it off with your fuck buddy, and say that a little fighting is natural and just par for the course. Psychologist Dr. Joy Davidson explains that the more you get to know someone, the more apparent it becomes that the individual is not perfect, which may lead you to think you haven't found the one. Davidson suggests that by being aware that the 'honeymoon stage' is not reality, you make your relationship more likely to last. Your fuck buddy, after all, is a person just like you.
Remember to communicate before you make a decision! "Is there something you're hurt about or worried about and you haven't told your partner yet - and now it's hurting your love because you expect your partner to be a mind reader? Hate to break it to you, but even mind readers are not mind readers. Speak up! If something is on your mind, share it," says best selling self-help book author Karen Salmansohn - author of 'Even God Is Single', 'How To Change Your Life By Doing Absolutely Nothing' - in Psychology Today.
Although you might not be willing to share some of your deepest worries with your fuck buddy (and, in fact, this may be against the rules of your arrangement - so tread carefully) it's definitely worth telling them if you're under pressure or have been feeling blue. Guess what? Your fuck buddy is in this with you, and if they know how you're thinking, they might add a perspective of their own into the mix that could prove helpful in making a long-term decision about your fling.
Examples in film and literature of lovers who can't leave each other alone abound. In the Showtime TV series The Affair, New York City schoolteacher and budding novelist Noah (Dominic West) takes too long to break up with his fuck buddy, Alison, a young waitress. Tragedy and drama ensures. And of course, the classic example of a movie in this genre is the 1980s move Fatal Attraction, where Michael Douglas's wealthy, married character is stalked and harassed by Glenn Close, his unstable lover, after a passionate affair goes sour.
The common factor in these two - fictional! - cautionary tales is that a family outside of your extramarital arrangement can really complicate matters. If you have an idea that your life outside of your setup with your fuck buddy is at all compromised by your infidelity, then it's time to break up with your lover.
If you're finding yourself in a situation where you're not sure whether it's past time to have 'the talk', here's how you can tell - the four red lights that you should be looking out for:
- You're not having sex any more
- The little things they do annoy or disgust you
- You've outgrown the relationship
- They seem just as disinterested in you
But how can you move on from a fuck buddy, and make sure the relationship stays in the past? Moving on from a fuck buddy you've been seeing is hard, especially if you've had fun together. However, knowing when it's time to call it a day and find another lover to take their place in the roster could save you time, could keep you safe, save you from embarrassment, keep you happy, and many other benefits.